Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Humpdays with Handey #20

It was this day in 1933 that the first episode of "The Lone Ranger" program was broadcast on radio station WXYZ in Detroit. I wonder if Jack Handey was a fan.

If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Humpdays with Handey #19

January 23rd is National Pie Day. A day to celebrate all good things that are pie… like its flaky crust, delicious flavors, and Grandma's secret recipe (which I have!!). Cherry and apple are my favorites, which I prefer as a late-night snack. Honor today's holiday by practicing random acts of pie-ness. Buy a pie, bake a pie, teach someone how to make a pie, or have a pie-eating contest. You can bet Jack Handey is celebrating.

If when you die you get a choice between pie heaven and regular heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick but if not mmm-boy.

The Best, Yet Worst 95 Minutes I Ever Spent

Wow… stupidity multiplied by infinity captured on video. That's the conclusion I came to after watching Jackass 2. I never saw the first one…just wasn't interested. Instead, I report on the stories of kids who get hurt or die imitating those stunts. So I not a big fan of "you-just-got-kicked-in-the-balls-ha-ha-isn't-that-funny"-kind-of-shit. Nonetheless, I decided to give it a chance after my hubby was watching it for the 2nd time and laughing his ass off. Why is shit like that so funny to guys? You don't see girls doing shit like that. Who the fuck would? The money made from that movie isn't enough to get sign me up for a nice glass of horse cum or a healthy helping of horse shit. I can't even bong a beer the way normal people do, let alone a beer in my ass. The last time I saw a fish hook in someone's mouth was when we kids and my brother's friend took one in the mouth when someone was casting off… and the idea wasn't to be bait for sharks like Steve-O. That guy is a douche-bag. He also put a leech on his eye, just for the heck of it... because that's entertainment and a really cool thing to do.


Yeah, I laughed, which I'm sure was the point, and with "Jackass" being the title, I knew what to expect. However, I still couldn't believe the stupidity of them all. What I want to know is where in the fuck do they come up with these ideas? Who wonders what it feels like to put their testicles on an ice sculpture, play dodgeball with medicine balls IN THE DARK, or hop upon a 4-way teeter-totter in a bull ring? One guy even has a vision of some guy bungee-jumping with a fat guy tied to it on the other end and draws it out on paper. That was the same guy who let his friend brand him with a hot iron in the shape of a penis.

Let's not forget about the crazy SOB who let a snake get ahold of HIS snake. Yeah, that was entertainment. Anyway, they record it on video, call it a movie and sit back and watch the money come in. And people just eat it up. I guess I gotta give them credit for banking on their insanity.

Some scenes I had to turn away from, but by far the worst part of all was at the end. They get a bunch of guys to shave their pubic hair… lint, crabs and all, and then glue it onto their friend's face. The said-friend thought the hair was stage-hair for his terrorist costume (which was a cruel prank in itself). The pubes were getting all in his mouth--- OMG I was gagging like a mo-fo, it was soooo nasty. What a fucked up joke to play on your friend… seriously. That is just wrong.

I was also disturbed by the old lady's saggy-tits scenes, followed by the old man's saggy balls. No wait, flip-flop that. The saggy balls were definitely worse. Hilarious and wrong at the same time. Sorry, I couldn't find any of those pictures (I didn't really try THAT hard).

I have to say, it was funny to watch other people being, well, jackasses. The movie dared me to laugh and I did. How easily amused we are. I feel so dirty, yet I can't wait to see what they come up with for Jackass 3 (supposedly started filming this month). I'm sure I'll have to look away/gag at least a dozen times.

Not The Most Uplifting Blog

The first month of the new year isn't even over and there have already been some notable deaths.

Heath Ledger died Tuesday; he was only 28 years old.

The Oscar-nominated actor was found dead in an apartment; naked, face down in a bed with a bottle of sleeping pills near by. So sad. I loved him in "10 Things I Hate About You" and "The Patriot". Never saw him take it in the ass in "Brokeback Mountain", but I thought he had talent as an actor. He's the entire reason why I was looking forward to the next Batman movie, "Dark Knight".

Actor Brad Renfro died last week. He was only 25 years old.

The cause of death has yet to be determined, but with a troubled history that included drug abuse, it's assumed he died from a drug overdose. Once again, so sad. He showed promise as a young actor in his debut film "The Client" and proved he could be hardcore in a fucked up moved based on the true story of a group of Florida teens who kill their friend called, "Bully". It's worth a rent or Netflix order if you like drugs, drinking, sex, murder, teenage debauchery… ya know, the good old days (minus the murder and all).

One of the 20th century's greatest adventurers of all time died this month of heart failure.

Sir Edmund Hillary was the first person to climb Mount Everest. Last year, the 87-year-old publicly criticized climbers who left a man to die on that mountain, saying "I think the whole attitude towards climbing Mount Everest has become rather horrifying. The people just want to get to the top. They don't give a damn for anybody else who may be in distress and it doesn't impress me at all that they leave someone lying under a rock to die."

The Grandmaster of Chess and World Champion, Bobby Fischer, also bit the big one this month.


The 64-year-old died of kidney failure at his home in Reykjavík, Iceland. The person who stayed with him until he died said his last words were "nothing soothes pain like the touch of a person".

I decided to do a search on who else has died this month and found a couple of interesting things.

Kenneth Parnell, a convicted sex offender charged with the 1972 kidnapping of a California boy, died at the age of 76 of natural causes in prison.


The case was made into a TV movie called "I Know My First Name Is Steven". I remember watching that growing up, something I'm sure my parents made me watch as a lesson never to go with strangers. Anyway, while reading up on Mr. Parnell, I came across some disturbing stuff. He was in and out of juvenile halls and mental institutions growing up, was arrested for sodomizing a young boy, impersonated a police officer, escaped from a mental hospital…and that was all before he was 20 years old. That's not even the half of it. In 1972, he kidnapped Steven, who finally escaped after 8 years. He even made Steven help him kidnap another child, who escaped with Steven after being held for just a few weeks. Here's where it gets even worse. In 2003, this sick man (who needed 24-hour-a-day nursing care at his home) tried coercing his caregiver into buying him a 4-year-old boy. She set up a sting operation with police, and according to her testimony, he requested the child have a "clean rectum". He dropped $100 for a birth certificate and another $400 to complete the "transaction". After his arrest that same day, he told authorities, "I wanted a family". Needless to say, he was sentenced to 25 years to life… or death in his case. Good riddance. I still don't think that was enough punishment.

While perusing the 2008 obit page on Wikipedia, I came across another interesting tidbit of info. A Kenyan marathon runner died during its ongoing post-election chaos there.

What grabbed my attention about Wesley Ngetich's death was that a poisoned arrow to the chest was to blame. If getting shot in the chest with an arrow during violent riots isn't bad enough, the tip has to have poison in it?!?! That's shitty. To make things even worse, he was supposed to be in Phoenix, Arizona this month for the "Rock & Roll Marathon", but was forced to withdrawal along with 13 others because of the violence there, which has left nearly 800 dead already. It's unclear if he was fighting or was attacked. Another Kenyan runner died New Year's Day, also because of the country's violence.

On a much lighter note (if there is such a thing while talking about death), the man who brought smiles to millions of kids around the world, including myself, passed away this month.

Richard Knerr invented the Frisbee and the Hula Hoop, and was also co-founder of the company Wham-O, which makes such products and Nerf ones as well. Those products aren't just for kids either; I hula-hooped just last summer while playing with the cousins.

Gemina the Giraffe… ahh Gemina.

She was best known for a deformity in her neck that caused her neck to bend almost 90 degrees. Zoo keepers at the Santa Barbara Zoo say she led an almost-normal life, despite being "special". She was even used as inspiration for kids with scoliosis. Germina was put to sleep after she stopped eating in her old age. What's "old age" in giraffe years?? 22.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Humpdays with Handey #18

Clowns around the world today are probably shedding tears after a new study finds they are "universally disliked" by kids of all ages. The study found all 250 patients between 4-16 said they disliked the use of clowns, and the older kids even found them to be scary.

I think the study would provide comfort to Jack Handey, knowing he's not alone anymore.

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."

LOST Picks Me



After 3 years of devoting my time and every free brain cell, my Lost obsession has finally paid off... and what a payoff it is!

I posted a blog in December about a pencil drive to collect as many pencils as possible to send off to the head honchos at studios in a symbolic measure of sorts for the writers strike. For every box of pencils you donated, you got your name entered into a raffle to win the grand prize of a phone conversation with Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse and Matthew Fox, where they would thank you for your support and "do their bestest" to answer any questions about the show's mysteries. Any of this sounding familiar?

I FUCKING WON!!!! THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS... I WON!!! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON!I WON!I WON!I WON!I WON!I WON!I WON!I WON!I WON!I WON!I WON!I WON!

I am not kidding. Here's the email I got this morning:

For Kaci Babineau

Hi Kaci!

I'm writing to you from Damon Lindelof's office over at LOST. Congratulations on being the Grand Prize Winner! From what Damon has told me, I believe part of the prize included a phone conversation with Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse and Matthew Fox. So, on that note, would you mind emailing, or calling me, and letting me know 3 dates that could work for you next week, or later this month please? I'm at the office all day tomorrow, and you can also call me there...

Hope all is well, and Congratulations!

Thank you,
Noreen

Damon Lindelof's Office
LOST

It also included Noreen's phone and email... which I promptly responded to. Mostly to make sure it wasn't a scam. I even went to the contest website to see. There's my name, listed as Grand Prize Winner!!! Don't believe me, check for yourself HERE. It's about 1/4 of the way down, under "E-Drawing Winners".

I don't even know how I'm able to type this right now, my hands are shaking, I'm so damn excited.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

That Machine Sure is Smart

I just have to brag about my new DVD player for a second. It's really nothing special when you look at it, but after what it did to me last night, I just had to tell someone.

I've been watching all the Lost episodes lately. I stopped the episode I was watching on Sunday right in the middle of it. That DVD was taken out of the machine, 2 movies were watched, and the power had been turned off. When I put the Lost DVD back in, words popped up on the screen saying this: "Hit play to resume from last point." Are you kidding me!?!?! So I did, and voilà!! There it was, RIGHT where I left off. How in the heck did it remember that?? Especially since it had been out of the player for 2 days, movies went in, and the power shut off!!!

Abso-fucking-lutely amazing. So amazing I had to share it with you. BTW, it's just a regular Sony player. Not a VCR/DVD combo or DVD-R, just a plain-old standard player. I'm almost tempted to send a letter saying how awesome it is to Sony Execs. I already sent an email to my Dad who bought it for me. Maybe I'm making a big deal about it, but it's by far the coolest thing I've seen in months.

Humpdays with Handey #17

"I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back."

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Go Blue Bitches!


I'm not one to blog about sports... it's totally not my thing, but the Maize & Blue Wolverines came through and put up a good fight with Florida and walked away winners from the Capitol One Bowl. It was actually a battle, and a good one at that.

No one had the confidence they would win. Because I don't follow sports, I had no idea Florida was "all that", so I didn't think twice about them losing. I'm used to them being a winning team. The night before the game, I said "Michigan by 3" and a fellow co-worker took that bet. I'll be collecting on that one.

Let's hope the program keeps getting better as it begins next season with new head coach, Rich Rodrieguez. I don't know shit about him, so you can read about that stuff on some other guy's blog who actually knows what he's talking about. I've heard this one is good: MGoBlog

Humpdays with Handey #16

You always hear about people wishing for "Peace and Happiness" for the new year. Which brings me to today's quote:

"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak."

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Humpdays with Handey #15

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.


Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Humpdays with Handey #14

The funny thing about driving your car off a cliff, I bet you're still hitting those brakes.



Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Humpdays with Handey #13

My place of employment is a drop-off location for the "Toys for Tots" campaign (collection of toys the Marines give out to poor families for Christmas). As my co-worker was on his way to the bathroom for the umpteenth time that day (hey, he felt the need to share it with me, so in turn, I'm sharing it with all of you), he noticed a globe with all the toys. A plain, common, old-fashioned (really, the only kind), spinning globe. We all laughed. What kid wants a damn globe for Christmas? What kind of parent gives a globe as a Christmas present? "Merry Christmas!! Betcha can't find Uruguay!! That'll keep the kids busy all day Marge!!" Hello!! It's the 21st century people. If it doesn't light up, make noise or talk back to you... they're not playing with it. You have to HIDE the education. Like those Leapfrog video games. The kids THINK they're just playing cool games, but really, they're LEARNING. Anyway, I'm getting off track. Globes. Jack Handey has the right idea about globes.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.


Raise your glass... it's the law!



December 5th is "Repeal Day"... the day lawmakers finally ended prohibition by passing the 21st Amendment in 1933. Drinking is a constitutional right for us Americans. God, do I love freedom.

You don't need a costume, fireworks or a funny leprechaun hat. All you have to do is stop by a local dive, pick up a sixer, or uncork a fine bottle of wine.

So raise your glass, whether that be a martini, a schooper, a Boonesfarm, or an ice-cold Compton. Celebrate your right to get as shitfaced as you please whenever you want. Do it because you can. Do it because it's your right as an American.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

'Twas the night before Christmas...

...and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
When all of a sudden, orange was the sky... and pieces Santa were flying by.


That's right. The following is not a story you want to share with the kiddies on Christmas Eve.


According to a Swedish consultancy (why them? not sure...), Santa would have to make his rounds at lightning speed to deliver gifts to all the world's children on time. He basically has 34 microseconds at each stop to slide down the chimney, put the presents under the tree, have his milk & cookie snack and get back to the sleigh. His reindeer would have to travel at a speed of 3,604 miles-per-second to make the trip on time.

Here's the best part... another report circulating the internet suggested that Santa's heavy-ass sleigh traveling at supersonic speed would encounter such massive air resistance that the entire contraption would burst into flames and be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Quite different than the visions of sugar plums dancing in my head....