Conversations with Chesty Chong

Humpdays with Handey #20

2008-01-30T09:22:00.000-08:00

It was this day in 1933 that the first episode of "The Lone Ranger" program was broadcast on radio station WXYZ in Detroit. I wonder if Jack Handey was a fan.

If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

Humpdays with Handey #19

2008-01-23T08:36:00.000-08:00

January 23^rd is National Pie Day. A day to celebrate all good things that are pie… like its flaky crust, delicious flavors, and Grandma's secret recipe (which I have!!). Cherry and apple are my favorites, which I prefer as a late-night snack. Honor today's holiday by practicing random acts of pie-ness. Buy a pie, bake a pie, teach someone how to make a pie, or have a pie-eating contest. You can bet Jack Handey is celebrating.

If when you die you get a choice between pie heaven and regular heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick but if not mmm-boy.

The Best, Yet Worst 95 Minutes I Ever Spent

2008-01-23T08:35:00.000-08:00

Wow… stupidity multiplied by infinity captured on video. That's the conclusion I came to after watching Jackass 2. I never saw the first one…just wasn't interested. Instead, I report on the stories of kids who get hurt or die imitating those stunts. So I not a big fan of "you-just-got-kicked-in-the-balls-ha-ha-isn't-that-funny"-kind-of-shit. Nonetheless, I decided to give it a chance after my hubby was watching it for the 2^nd time and laughing his ass off. Why is shit like that so funny to guys? You don't see girls doing shit like that. Who the fuck would? The money made from that movie isn't enough to get sign me up for a nice glass of horse cum or a healthy helping of horse shit. I can't even bong a beer the way normal people do, let alone a beer in my ass. The last time I saw a fish hook in someone's mouth was when we kids and my brother's friend took one in the mouth when someone was casting off… and the idea wasn't to be bait for sharks like Steve-O. That guy is a douche-bag. He also put a leech on his eye, just for the heck of it... because that's entertainment and a really cool thing to do.

Yeah, I laughed, which I'm sure was the point, and with "Jackass" being the title, I knew what to expect. However, I still couldn't believe the stupidity of them all. What I want to know is where in the fuck do they come up with these ideas? Who wonders what it feels like to put their testicles on an ice sculpture, play dodgeball with medicine balls IN THE DARK, or hop upon a 4-way teeter-totter in a bull ring? One guy even has a vision of some guy bungee-jumping with a fat guy tied to it on the other end and draws it out on paper. That was the same guy who let his friend brand him with a hot iron in the shape of a penis.

Let's not forget about the crazy SOB who let a snake get ahold of HIS snake. Yeah, that was entertainment. Anyway, they record it on video, call it a movie and sit back and watch the money come in. And people just eat it up. I guess I gotta give them credit for banking on their insanity.

Some scenes I had to turn away from, but by far the worst part of all was at the end. They get a bunch of guys to shave their pubic hair… lint, crabs and all, and then glue it onto their friend's face. The said-friend thought the hair was stage-hair for his terrorist costume (which was a cruel prank in itself). The pubes were getting all in his mouth--- OMG I was gagging like a mo-fo, it was soooo nasty. What a fucked up joke to play on your friend… seriously. That is just wrong.

I was also disturbed by the old lady's saggy-tits scenes, followed by the old man's saggy balls. No wait, flip-flop that. The saggy balls were definitely worse. Hilarious and wrong at the same time. Sorry, I couldn't find any of those pictures (I didn't really try THAT hard).

I have to say, it was funny to watch other people being, well, jackasses. The movie dared me to laugh and I did. How easily amused we are. I feel so dirty, yet I can't wait to see what they come up with for Jackass 3 (supposedly started filming this month). I'm sure I'll have to look away/gag at least a dozen times.

Not The Most Uplifting Blog

2008-01-23T08:28:00.000-08:00

The first month of the new year isn't even over and there have already been some notable deaths.

Heath Ledger died Tuesday; he was only 28 years old.

The Oscar-nominated actor was found dead in an apartment; naked, face down in a bed with a bottle of sleeping pills near by. So sad. I loved him in "10 Things I Hate About You" and "The Patriot". Never saw him take it in the ass in "Brokeback Mountain", but I thought he had talent as an actor. He's the entire reason why I was looking forward to the next Batman movie, "Dark Knight".

Actor Brad Renfro died last week. He was only 25 years old.

The cause of death has yet to be determined, but with a troubled history that included drug abuse, it's assumed he died from a drug overdose. Once again, so sad. He showed promise as a young actor in his debut film "The Client" and proved he could be hardcore in a fucked up moved based on the true story of a group of Florida teens who kill their friend called, "Bully". It's worth a rent or Netflix order if you like drugs, drinking, sex, murder, teenage debauchery… ya know, the good old days (minus the murder and all).

One of the 20^th century's greatest adventurers of all time died this month of heart failure.

Sir Edmund Hillary was the first person to climb Mount Everest. Last year, the 87-year-old publicly criticized climbers who left a man to die on that mountain, saying "I think the whole attitude towards climbing Mount Everest has become rather horrifying. The people just want to get to the top. They don't give a damn for anybody else who may be in distress and it doesn't impress me at all that they leave someone lying under a rock to die."

The Grandmaster of Chess and World Champion, Bobby Fischer, also bit the big one this month.

The 64-year-old died of kidney failure at his home in Reykjavík, Iceland. The person who stayed with him until he died said his last words were "nothing soothes pain like the touch of a person".

I decided to do a search on who else has died this month and found a couple of interesting things.

Kenneth Parnell, a convicted sex offender charged with the 1972 kidnapping of a California boy, died at the age of 76 of natural causes in prison.

The case was made into a TV movie called "I Know My First Name Is Steven". I remember watching that growing up, something I'm sure my parents made me watch as a lesson never to go with strangers. Anyway, while reading up on Mr. Parnell, I came across some disturbing stuff. He was in and out of juvenile halls and mental institutions growing up, was arrested for sodomizing a young boy, impersonated a police officer, escaped from a mental hospital…and that was all before he was 20 years old. That's not even the half of it. In 1972, he kidnapped Steven, who finally escaped after 8 years. He even made Steven help him kidnap another child, who escaped with Steven after being held for just a few weeks. Here's where it gets even worse. In 2003, this sick man (who needed 24-hour-a-day nursing care at his home) tried coercing his caregiver into buying him a 4-year-old boy. She set up a sting operation with police, and according to her testimony, he requested the child have a "clean rectum". He dropped $100 for a birth certificate and another $400 to complete the "transaction". After his arrest that same day, he told authorities, "I wanted a family". Needless to say, he was sentenced to 25 years to life… or death in his case. Good riddance. I still don't think that was enough punishment.

While perusing the 2008 obit page on Wikipedia, I came across another interesting tidbit of info. A Kenyan marathon runner died during its ongoing post-election chaos there.

What grabbed my attention about Wesley Ngetich's death was that a poisoned arrow to the chest was to blame. If getting shot in the chest with an arrow during violent riots isn't bad enough, the tip has to have poison in it?!?! That's shitty. To make things even worse, he was supposed to be in Phoenix, Arizona this month for the "Rock & Roll Marathon", but was forced to withdrawal along with 13 others because of the violence there, which has left nearly 800 dead already. It's unclear if he was fighting or was attacked. Another Kenyan runner died New Year's Day, also because of the country's violence.

On a much lighter note (if there is such a thing while talking about death), the man who brought smiles to millions of kids around the world, including myself, passed away this month.

Richard Knerr invented the Frisbee and the Hula Hoop, and was also co-founder of the company Wham-O, which makes such products and Nerf ones as well. Those products aren't just for kids either; I hula-hooped just last summer while playing with the cousins.

Gemina the Giraffe… ahh Gemina.

She was best known for a deformity in her neck that caused her neck to bend almost 90 degrees. Zoo keepers at the Santa Barbara Zoo say she led an almost-normal life, despite being "special". She was even used as inspiration for kids with scoliosis. Germina was put to sleep after she stopped eating in her old age. What's "old age" in giraffe years?? 22.

Humpdays with Handey #18

2008-01-16T09:05:00.001-08:00

Clowns around the world today are probably shedding tears after a new study finds they are "universally disliked" by kids of all ages. The study found all 250 patients between 4-16 said they disliked the use of clowns, and the older kids even found them to be scary.

I think the study would provide comfort to Jack Handey, knowing he's not alone anymore.

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."

LOST Picks Me

2008-01-16T09:04:00.000-08:00

After 3 years of devoting my time and every free brain cell, my Lost obsession has finally paid off... and what a payoff it is!

I posted a blog in December about a pencil drive to collect as many pencils as possible to send off to the head honchos at studios in a symbolic measure of sorts for the writers strike. For every box of pencils you donated, you got your name entered into a raffle to win the grand prize of a phone conversation with Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse and Matthew Fox, where they would thank you for your support and "do their bestest" to answer any questions about the show's mysteries. Any of this sounding familiar?

I FUCKING WON!!!! THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS... I WON!!! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON!I WON!I WON!I WON!I WON!I WON!I WON!I WON!I WON!I WON!I WON!I WON!

I am not kidding. Here's the email I got this morning:

For Kaci Babineau

Hi Kaci!

I'm writing to you from Damon Lindelof's office over at LOST. Congratulations on being the Grand Prize Winner! From what Damon has told me, I believe part of the prize included a phone conversation with Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse and Matthew Fox. So, on that note, would you mind emailing, or calling me, and letting me know 3 dates that could work for you next week, or later this month please? I'm at the office all day tomorrow, and you can also call me there...

Hope all is well, and Congratulations!

Thank you,

Noreen

Damon Lindelof's Office

LOST

It also included Noreen's phone and email... which I promptly responded to. Mostly to make sure it wasn't a scam. I even went to the contest website to see. There's my name, listed as Grand Prize Winner!!! Don't believe me, check for yourself HERE. It's about 1/4 of the way down, under "E-Drawing Winners".

I don't even know how I'm able to type this right now, my hands are shaking, I'm so damn excited.

That Machine Sure is Smart

2008-01-09T09:24:00.000-08:00

I just have to brag about my new DVD player for a second. It's really nothing special when you look at it, but after what it did to me last night, I just had to tell someone.

I've been watching all the Lost episodes lately. I stopped the episode I was watching on Sunday right in the middle of it. That DVD was taken out of the machine, 2 movies were watched, and the power had been turned off. When I put the Lost DVD back in, words popped up on the screen saying this: "Hit play to resume from last point." Are you kidding me!?!?! So I did, and voilà!! There it was, RIGHT where I left off. How in the heck did it remember that?? Especially since it had been out of the player for 2 days, movies went in, and the power shut off!!!

Abso-fucking-lutely amazing. So amazing I had to share it with you. BTW, it's just a regular Sony player. Not a VCR/DVD combo or DVD-R, just a plain-old standard player. I'm almost tempted to send a letter saying how awesome it is to Sony Execs. I already sent an email to my Dad who bought it for me. Maybe I'm making a big deal about it, but it's by far the coolest thing I've seen in months.

Humpdays with Handey #17

2008-01-09T09:23:00.000-08:00

"I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back."

Go Blue Bitches!

2008-01-02T08:51:00.000-08:00

I'm not one to blog about sports... it's totally not my thing, but the Maize & Blue Wolverines came through and put up a good fight with Florida and walked away winners from the Capitol One Bowl. It was actually a battle, and a good one at that.

No one had the confidence they would win. Because I don't follow sports, I had no idea Florida was "all that", so I didn't think twice about them losing. I'm used to them being a winning team. The night before the game, I said "Michigan by 3" and a fellow co-worker took that bet. I'll be collecting on that one.

Let's hope the program keeps getting better as it begins next season with new head coach, Rich Rodrieguez. I don't know shit about him, so you can read about that stuff on some other guy's blog who actually knows what he's talking about. I've heard this one is good: MGoBlog

Humpdays with Handey #16

2008-01-02T08:50:00.001-08:00

You always hear about people wishing for "Peace and Happiness" for the new year. Which brings me to today's quote:

"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak."

Humpdays with Handey #15

2007-12-19T09:44:00.001-08:00

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

Humpdays with Handey #14

2007-12-12T09:10:00.000-08:00

The funny thing about driving your car off a cliff, I bet you're still hitting those brakes.

Humpdays with Handey #13

2007-12-05T08:47:00.000-08:00

My place of employment is a drop-off location for the "Toys for Tots" campaign (collection of toys the Marines give out to poor families for Christmas). As my co-worker was on his way to the bathroom for the umpteenth time that day (hey, he felt the need to share it with me, so in turn, I'm sharing it with all of you), he noticed a globe with all the toys. A plain, common, old-fashioned (really, the only kind), spinning globe. We all laughed. What kid wants a damn globe for Christmas? What kind of parent gives a globe as a Christmas present? "Merry Christmas!! Betcha can't find Uruguay!! That'll keep the kids busy all day Marge!!" Hello!! It's the 21st century people. If it doesn't light up, make noise or talk back to you... they're not playing with it. You have to HIDE the education. Like those Leapfrog video games. The kids THINK they're just playing cool games, but really, they're LEARNING. Anyway, I'm getting off track. Globes. Jack Handey has the right idea about globes.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

Raise your glass... it's the law!

2007-12-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

December 5th is "Repeal Day"... the day lawmakers finally ended prohibition by passing the 21st Amendment in 1933. Drinking is a constitutional right for us Americans. God, do I love freedom.

You don't need a costume, fireworks or a funny leprechaun hat. All you have to do is stop by a local dive, pick up a sixer, or uncork a fine bottle of wine.

So raise your glass, whether that be a martini, a schooper, a Boonesfarm, or an ice-cold Compton. Celebrate your right to get as shitfaced as you please whenever you want. Do it because you can. Do it because it's your right as an American.

'Twas the night before Christmas...

2007-12-04T23:51:00.000-08:00

...and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
When all of a sudden, orange was the sky... and pieces Santa were flying by.

That's right. The following is not a story you want to share with the kiddies on Christmas Eve.

According to a Swedish consultancy (why them? not sure...), Santa would have to make his rounds at lightning speed to deliver gifts to all the world's children on time. He basically has 34 microseconds at each stop to slide down the chimney, put the presents under the tree, have his milk & cookie snack and get back to the sleigh. His reindeer would have to travel at a speed of 3,604 miles-per-second to make the trip on time.

Here's the best part... another report circulating the internet suggested that Santa's heavy-ass sleigh traveling at supersonic speed would encounter such massive air resistance that the entire contraption would burst into flames and be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Quite different than the visions of sugar plums dancing in my head....

"Sunny day... Sweepin' the clouds away..."

2007-11-29T21:33:00.000-08:00

Ahhh... Sesame Street. You know, the place where kids who grew up in the 70's & 80's and learned about colors, numbers, the alphabet, friends, sharing, music, etc?? Well, apparently, the early episodes are too dangerous for today's kids. Seasons 1-5 of the PBS educational show are now out on DVD, with this warning on the box: "These early 'Sesame Street' episodes are intended for grown-ups, and may not suit the needs of today's preschool child." Adult-rated.

Ex-squeeze me?? Adult-only? Apparently at a recent screening for all ages, adults were shocked. Bert & Ernie SHARING a bedroom in a run-down apartment who sew and plant flowers in their spare time. Big Bird hallucinates a big furry elephant-looking thing named Snuffleupagus. Oscar The Grouch is depressed and angry. The Cookie Monster is on the road to obesity. Elmo is a little shy. Farmers milk cows one at a time without wearing gloves. One of the very first episodes shows an old man taking a little girl by the hand and leading her away from a park. Really, he's just taking her to his house to meet his wife and have some milk & cookies. Funny how innocent it all seemed back then. Nowadays, that strange old man is probably on the sex offender registry. Machines are milking dozens, if not hundreds, of cows at a time. Elmo is much more outgoing. The Cookie Monster is 2 years into a healthier-eating lifestyle. There's Prozac if Oscar wants it. Snuffleupagus is real. And Bert & Ernie can be as gay (whether they want to admit it or not) as they want and it's totally cool.

Yes, the show had a subtle adult-sense of humor to it, but it was created that way so that parents would watch it with their kids and be INVOLVED in the learning process, not just a bystander. I loved Bert & Ernie and never once thought about the two of them butt-fucking. I also never thought it was weird or creepy that no one else but Big Bird could see Snuffleupagus. It's called "imagination" people!! Elmo was a little weird, and I was more of a Grover-girl anyway. Never liked Oscar because he was so mean. I loved the show so much, I went to the theater to see "Follow that Bird" where the gang goes cross-country to rescue Big Bird from the evil carnies who kidnapped him.

Mixing real adults and kids in with the show, from all types of backgrounds, ethnicity, sizes and looks, also made for good television. People with real lives, real problems, real issues, real relationships. They've even introduced puppets who speak different languages (Spanish) and ones with diseases (HIV). Things you can later discuss as a family, or possibly use as a jumping-off point for parents to talk to their kids about touchy issues.

I had a pretty decent childhood. Besides the occasional spanking for misbehaving (which I can say I totally deserved), I was never abused. I was taken care of, had dinner and a warm place to sleep with loving parents to tuck me in every night. I know not everyone can say the same and my heart goes out to them. But watching Sesame Street certainly didn't corrupt me. I didn't turn out so bad. Yeah, I got in trouble growing up, but it wasn't because of the show's "scary and frightening" images. To me, it was fun and educational and I looked forward hanging with my friends from Sesame Street. I know times have changed, but jeez-us-christ people, lay off. Are those episodes really THAT bad? Aren't parents letting kids be kids anymore? Where's the innocence? The make-believe? Who wants their kids to be serious at the age of 5, 8, or 10? Give me a break. I watched hundreds of episodes and turned out just fine as far as I'm concerned. It wasn't because of what I watched on TV, but because my parents raised me right. I scoff at Sesame Street's "adult-rated" warning. I don't think there's anything wrong with letting my kids learn about the letter E and the number 2 from a presumed-gay Bert & Ernie who can't afford a nice apartment and a big yellow bird who has conversations with someone no one else can see.

Virtual Shopping Secrets

2007-11-28T21:23:00.002-08:00

Can I just say how much I LOVE shopping on the internet? Don't have to hunt down a parking place, no lines, my feet don't hurt, I can smoke and drink, do it naked, WHATEVER! Besides the risk of someone stealing my credit card number, it's totally worth it. I took part in "Cyber Monday"... and I wasn't the only one. Internet sales were up 21% from a year ago, people spending $733 million. That's the 1st time a single day of online shopping broke the $700 million mark (according to internet research firm, comScore). I'm such a bargain hunter and I've had great luck finding some awesome deals. For example, I bought a bunch of books at Urban Outfitters (the actual store, not online) this weekend. Turns out, I would've saved $23 if I bought them online. So I'm returning them. $23 is a lot of money when it comes to buying a bunch of shit for those near and dear. So far, I've bought one thing in an actual store. The rest is coming from the internet.

In my search for some of the best deals, I've come across some of the best websites. So good, I had to pass them along. Check them out... great gift ideas for ANYONE. The prices aren't too bad either.

www.gifts.com

This baby lives up to its name. You can search by recipient, occasion, category and personality. Here's the best part: When it displays the items according to your choice, it shows the pic of one (like a wine holder), then below, has a link to "5 more like this". So you click on it, and if it's not something you like or is too expensive, just look at the right side of the page for pictures & prices for the 5 other wine holders. Cool and convenient.

www.uncommongoods.com

This one is also searchable by price, person, etc. Out of the ordinary gifts. I found a 6pk beer "cooler/tote" made out of neoprene (the stuff wetsuits are made of... fabric to keep the temperature in). It's perfect for my stepmom who continues to drink out of glass bottles at the lake and carries them in a bulky cooler with them clinking around and shit. This cooler/tote is perfect for her. And it's only $20.

www.perpetualkid.com

Unique gifts for your inner child. Lots of fun stuff here. One thing sold itself as "for that weirdo in your life". I bought it. They also have the *coolest* ice cube trays I've ever seen. "Ice Kabobs"... ice on a stick. Big kind of swizzle-stick-like thing, a long stick in a tray with shapes around it. A stirrer for your beverage *and* keeps it cool. I bought 4 of these for the alcoholics in my life (god bless 'em). Only $6.49 a piece and each tray holds 3 sticks. Why 3 and not 4? I asked the same damn question myself. It's their way of making you buy double to even it out. Bastards 1, Me 0.

www.overstock.com

If you don't know about this one now, girrrrrrlllll... (or booooooyyyyy), you're missing out. That's where I saved the $23 on all those books. I've Christmas-shopped on that website since '03. I've never been disappointed with any of my purchases.

www.naughtycodes.com

I found out about this one from a former co-worker. It lists hundreds of promotional and coupon codes for a shit-ton of retailers (lots of well-known names). Just last night I saved 25% on my total purchase thanks to this website.

Well, now you know my secrets. Use them wisely. Pass them onto the other bargain hunters in your life. I'm headed back to the online mall... and no, I'm not naked. At least right now...

Humpdays With Handey #12

2007-11-28T19:06:00.001-08:00

My brother called me today with a very important question: "Where the Fuck is my Humpday quote???" Well, I don't like being asked questions... and apparently neither does Jack Handey.

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?'

Humpdays with Handey #11 (holiday edition!)

2007-11-21T08:48:00.001-08:00

Today's Deep Thought falls just a day before Thanksgiving and by adjusting one word, it's fitting. If you're feeling like shenanigans when it's time to sit down for the big meal, try this:

The next time I have turkey and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of turkey. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more turkey, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of turkey from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

Neil's "Sweet Caroline" Revealed

2007-11-20T09:30:00.000-08:00

After more than 40 years, Neil Diamond reveals who the Caroline he's referring to in his hit song "Sweet Caroline". That would be President Kennedy's daughter, Caroline.

Diamond saw a pic of her in a magazine when she was 9-years-old, standing next to a pony all decked out in riding gear. Years later, that inspired him to write the lyrics and music in less than an hour.

"Sweet Caroline" went on to be a big hit... and still is. The Boston Red Sox play it at every game.

Diamond finally fessed up to the mystery yesterday. Last week, he performed the song via satellite for Caroline's 50th birthday party and says he was happy to get it off his chest. He thought she might be embarrased, but instead she was happy (who wouldn't be?? knowing you were the inspiration for a song that went #1??).

I love that song... such a mood uplifter. In case you're wondering, the 66-year-old crooner is currently working on another album... something he predicts to one of his best ever.

Pissed at People

2007-11-19T22:15:00.001-08:00

He's been in some pretty good movies over the years... I'll give him that. But "Sexiest Man Alive"??? YUCK!!!! I was hoping my boy Matthew McConaughy would hold onto the title.. deservingly so.

Really, who picks the winner? I never once got wet watching him in Ocean's 11, Rounders, The Borne Identity, Good Will Hunting, School Ties, or The Departed.
Maybe a little in Stuck on You, but it could've been that he was glued to Greg Kinnear.

Gross... definitley not my top pick for #1, People Magazine. In fact, none of the 4 guys rounding out the top 5 do anything for me. Patrick Dempsey, Ryan Reynolds, Brad Pitt and James McAvoy (WHO?!?!?).

Johnny "Do Me NOW" Depp came in 6th. Someone needs to get their eyes checked over there. He should've been in the top 5 fo-sho!

Another hottie who got dissed, but squeaked into the top 10 at #10 is Shemar Moore. Hello you fine mutha-fucka!!

Tired of Being Lost?

2007-11-19T21:49:00.001-08:00

This I HAD to share with my Lost peeps. Good ole Weaver sent it to me today and I was crackin' up!! The first person I thought of was Andrea. She started a Lost Marathon a couple weeks ago, something I was so happy to hear. Anyway, if you're feeling lost trying to understand folks like me at the office, "Losticil" may be just what you need.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

2007-11-19T21:24:00.000-08:00

We're still 2 days away from Thanksgiving, but I find myself already thinking about the spread. I'm craving the turkey, stuffing and green bean casserole. Which is weird, since I never used to eat the GBC up until a couple years ago. I have to say my favorite part about the dinner is the gravy. I love sloppin' it on everything. I drown my turkey, stuffing and potatoes in it.. and then sop it all up with a roll at meal's end. MMMMMMmmmmmm.... my stomach is growling. The worst part about the meal FOR ME is the cranberry sauce and the sweet potatoes (or yams.. or are they the same thing??). Which is weird (again), since I've got nothing against cranberries (the juice is good). As for the sweet potatoes, there's just something about adding sweet flavor to something that shouldn't be sweet. This year I'll be showing off my pie making skills. I told my mom I'd make a cherry and apple pie (crust and all). She mentioned something about pumpkin, which I'm not too keen on. Now I'm trying to decide if I have it in me to make all 3.

I hope everyone has a terrific turkey day and finds something in this cynical world to be thankful for.

Me?? As much as I bitch about it, I'm thankful I have a job. As evidenced by the lastest unemployment numbers from Michigan, I'm one of the lucky ones. I'm also thankful to spend another holiday with those close to me. You never know when it will be the last time you'll see someone and because of that, it's really important to me to cherish every moment. Cheesy, I know... but true.

Now it's your turn. What's your favorite and worst part about Thanksgiving? Are you planning on adding anything to the spread? Got any family traditions? What are you thankful for?

Humpdays with Handey #10

2007-11-14T09:12:00.001-08:00

My brother helped me out with this one. He called last week, wondering if I had posted that day's Deep Thought because he had a good one. I was having a bad day that day, and the following really turned my perspective around.

When you're having a bad day, remember, you could be a Siamese twin stuck to your gay brother who has a date tonight and you only have one butt.

Humpdays with Handey #9

2007-11-07T00:08:00.001-08:00

This one is for my homie, Lori, who has moved on to bigger and better things. It sucks without her at work. This is her favorite "Deep Thought"... and I wanted to share it with all of you.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

Lost Treats, Not Tricks

2007-10-31T09:27:00.000-07:00

Just a few Lost treats to tease you with on this Halloween… and I’d say the sources are good enough that these aren’t tricks you’re getting.

First and foremost, in case you missed it in the news, the guy who plays Jin was arrested for drunk driving. That makes him the 3^rd Lost actor to get arrested on the island. Will he have the same fate as Ana-Lucia (also DUI), Libby (DUI, again), and Dr. Ecko (disobeying a police officer)? Only time will tell.

The season premiere date has yet to be set in stone. The ABC president says at this point, he has no plans of changing the current Wednesday night line-up. Apparently Pushing Daisies, Private Practice and Dirty Sexy Money are doing well in the ratings. While we don’t know which day it’ll be on, we do know the title: “The Beginning of the End”.

If you read my blog about Lost at Comic-Con, then I’m to assume you watched the video I posted that they publicly showed at the geek fest. The station is called “The Orchid” and will be featured midway through the 4^th season. Its purpose is unknown at this point.

A sequel to the book, or ultimate-guide, “Finding Lost” is out. And yes, I own the first one, which spans season 1 & 2. This one covers season 3.

Both Sci-Fi and G4 will run past episodes of Lost next fall. Sci-Fi might do mini-marathons, while G4 might do something interactive.

As of Wednesday morning, 3:14am, there’s still no contract deal between writers and producers in Hollywood. Writers want more of the profits that comes from selling downloads of shows and movies on the internet, as well as the advertising that comes along with it. If writers strike at midnight Wednesday, it wouldn’t directly impact TV production. Most shows have enough scripts done to get them through early next year. As for Lost, an article in “Variety” magazine says the strike could be a good thing for the show. It was pushed back from a fall premiere because of ABC’s desire to run all 16 episodes without breaks or repeats to keep the momentum going (Fox’s 24 style). That means Lost could be one of the network’s precious few fresh script-offerings in the season’s second half, while all the other guys are running reality TV, reruns or movies.

That is all for now.

A Halloween Humpday with Handey

2007-10-30T22:52:00.000-07:00

This one felt appropriate. Not only because it's Halloween, but because it's positively genius.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

What I did this October

2007-10-30T21:58:00.000-07:00

I decided to go on a little horrible horror movie marathon this month. There's tons of them out there, so here's a little review of each gem I spent my evenings, early mornings and afternoons watching.

1408—2007

I’m usually all about the Stephen King book-movies (Misery, Storm of the Century, The Langoliers), but this one… not so much. John Cusack writes about haunted places and a hotel with a room known for its strange happenings is his next assignment. Nothing about it was scary, plus, there were all these flashbacks with the dude’s dead daughter, that meant nothing to the movie. Waste of time, I don’t recommend it.

976-EVIL—1989

This one was about some nerd who gets possessed by an evil entity and starts killing off the popular kids. The thing that weirded me out about it the most was the hair he’d grow by his ears when the evil was taking over. There was horrible acting with horrible dialogue, but I don’t feel like I wasted my time. I do feel, however, I would be wasting my time if I watched 976-EVIL 2, so there won’t be a review of that one here.

Phantoms—1998

This was based off a Dean Koontz novel and had Rose McGowan & Ben Affleck in it. Those three reasons weren’t enough to keep me from falling asleep halfway through.

Catacombs—2007

This was a FearNet OnDemand special and I dig Shannon Sossaman (the chick from 40 Days, 40 Nights) so I thought I’d peep it. Pretty freaky shit. People party in these catacombs under the city of Paris, where millions of bodies were put after the graveyards got all full. She gets lost and it only gets more fucked up from there. I strongly recommend.

2001 Maniacs—2005

A group of teens gets detoured on the way to sunny Florida and end up as the BBQ during an annual celebration by a bunch of cannibals. With Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger) as the main character, wearing a confederate flag eye patch, you know it has to be good. The “bad” kind of good, though. It’s filled with T&A (my husband woke up to me watching it and asked if I was watching porn) and it’s got great slaughter scenes, including a chick having all 4 limbs ripped from her body by horses and a guy who gets skewered from ass to mouth. AWESOME. Not a bad way to kill an hour and a half.

Stay Alive—2006

Kids who play a video game find out when they die in the game, they die FOR REAL!!! It’s actually not that bad, and with Frankie Muniz part of the cast, you can’t go wrong!! Seriously though, if you like playing 1^st person video games, you’d like this flick. Predictable, but impressive.

The Fog—1980

A classic I like to watch each year. This time, I was more focused on all the stairs the chick has to walk down to get to her job as a radio DJ. There’s no way I could make that trek every day. By the time I got over the stair climb, the movie was over. The pirates didn’t fade me this time around.

Halloween—1978

Another classic I must watch at least 10 times during the month of October. Any review I give wouldn’t be good enough.

Halloween: Resurrection—2002

Though I borrowed it a few years back, I never made it all the way through. Now I remember why… it was pretty fucking lame. Busta Rhymes was HORRIBLE in it and Michael Myers just wasn’t that scary in this installment.

Halloween: H2O—1998

I watch this every year as well. It’s the only other Halloween in the series I like. Plus, Josh Hartnett is a little hottie in this one ;) and L.L. Cool J ain’t too bad himself. Thrills AND chills… good combination.

Children of the Corn--1984

I watch this purely for nostalgic reasons. It’s not a favorite of mine, but I feel I owe it to myself to be bored for 93 minutes. Don’t make me explain it to you, we all do weird things. Maybe Isaac and Malachi have me under their spell… those fucking demon children.

Reeker—2005

Okay, with a name like Reeker, how can you not be curious? Scary setting and all, but the plot threw me and the “Reeker” was awful. I mean c’mon, I’m supposed to be scared of an entity that smells really bad and is invisible? Yeah right. At some point, the Reeker does take shape to eventually kill its victims, but the whole movie was a sham by the end. They were in a “dead zone”, or purgatory, the whole time… so basically none of that shit happened. I fucking hate movies that end like that.

The Butcher—2006

The description sounded something like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but was far from it. This is another movie I feel asleep during. It must’ve been really bad, because I can’t even find a movie poster or a screen cap.

The Omen—2006

This was the remake of the 1976 film. Not bad. That little kid really is the devil.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre—1974

I love this one. It’s so fucked up and so old, and I can watch it over and over. This time, I was really hoping Leatherface would slaughter that bitch at the end… her screaming her head off for the last 15 minutes of the movie really got to me.

Turistas—2006

This one starred the hottie from NBC’s Las Vegas, so I figured, why not. It certainly scared the hell out of me. It had a Hostel similarity to it, though not as gory. A group of 20-somethings get lured into the jungle so some psycho can cut them open and steal their organs. Being lost in a Brazilian jungle and having to swim through underwater caves was the fear factor for me, the blood and gore were just bonuses. Don’t be afraid to rent this one.

Gag—2006

This is another gem the internet failed to produce an image for. I wish there was a “bad movie guarantee” at the video store. I couldn’t even make it through the first 15 minutes. The camera shots were horrible and the acting and the dialogue were god-awful. It’s one thing to make a bad horror movie in the 80’s (those are the best kind), but to make a bad horror movie in the new millennium is REALLY BAD. The picture on the box and the description sounded right up my alley… but failed to entertain. By far the worst 15 minutes I’ve spent on this little quest of mine.

Wolf Creek—2005

Totally radical. I love, love, love it!! Completely freaky, based on true events, and the fears just kept coming. As a bonus, it has some of the most AMAZING backdrops since it was shot in the Australian outback. Go rent this, you won’t be disappointed.

Still on my list, since I rented a bunch over the weekend and haven’t finished them all, are the following:

The Last House on the Left—1972

Its description is something along the lines of 2 teenagers getting kidnapped, thrown in the back of the trunk, taken out the woods and getting brutally tortured. It also happens to be horror director Wes Craven’s debut.

Dead Silence—2007

It sells itself as “from the writers and directors of Saw” and has this freaky-looking ventriloquist doll on the cover. The plot has something to do about a ghost story, similar to “Bloody Mary” or whatever game you grew up playing. Ya know, the one, where you spun around 3 times, chanting her name and then looking in a mirror?? Beetlejuice and Candyman were summoned in such ways. So it looks to be promising.

Junior—2003

Two girls run out of gas on a scary country road and separate ON PURPOSE. One walks to the gas station, the other stays at the car. The one girl never comes back. The other accepts a ride from a stranger to find her friend. Gee, I wonder what happens next??

One movie that I won’t get to watch, that I was really hoping to, is Rob Zombie’s Halloween remake.

Poor planning on the studio’s part. With a summer theater release, and a DVD release not till mid-December, they really missed out on people getting it for Halloween. I work with people who make stupid decisions like that. HELLO!?!?!!!

I also had every intention of renting all three Saw movies, but they were never available for rent.

I hope you enjoyed reading about the horrible horror movies as much as I loved watching them. There are dozens of other titles that I just couldn't get to. There's always next year. Happy Halloween!

Piggy Bank Payload

2007-10-28T20:36:00.000-07:00

How awesome is this? Some guy in Pennsylvania heard rumors some coins might be hidden in the walls of his home. So he starts knocking on walls, looking for a hollow spot... when bam, he finds one. He kicks in the wall and out pours hundreds of coins, some dating back to the 1700's, worth at least 100-grand. Turns out, an older couple who lived in the home 20 years ago used the wall as a piggy bank. That turned into a tradition, with more and more people adding to the wall bank.

He's not one of those "finders keepers-losers weepers" guys either. He plans on selling the coins on the family's behalf and will give them the proceeds.

WOW. How awesome.

"Paging Dr. Christian Troy..."

2007-10-28T20:31:00.000-07:00

Nip/Tuck is back.

Tuesday. 10pm. On F/X. That is all.

Humpdays with Handey #7

2007-10-24T08:53:00.001-07:00

Since we're fast approaching Halloween... today's HWH is to help get you in the mood!

When I was younger, there was a house on my street that I thought was haunted. At night you'd hear screams coming from all over the house...plus anyone who went in, never came out. Later I found out it was just a murderers house.

Humpdays With Handey #6

2007-10-17T19:37:00.001-07:00

Probably the worst thing about having King Kong go rampid in your town would be the huge, monster genitalia.

Humpdays with Handey #5

2007-10-10T08:54:00.001-07:00

This week's "Humpdays with Handey" is dedicated to my brother. Only because I can see him doing this. Oh wait, I already have. He just didn't have the hat.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

A Vigilant Consumer

2007-10-09T23:02:00.000-07:00

I think I totally got someone fired from Kroger today. But at the same time, I saved countless lives by noticing a potentially deadly bacteria-contaminated recalled product STILL on store shelves. We run a shitload of recalls on the news, and when you're typing up the information, you tend to remember useless things like product codes. Funny, I can't even remember what I had for dinner last week. I guess it proves I'm retaining some useful information.

Here's how it happened: While shopping with the hubby this weekend, I noticed a ton of a recently recalled soup on sale. However, I wasn't sure of the product code or "best if used by date", so I wasn't sure it was that batch for sure. I blew it off and continued to peruse the aisles. Then I came upon a big "baking goodies" display and happened to notice a recalled chocolate product right there in front. I did know the "best if used by date" on this one, and whattya know? It was the recalled batch. I bought a couple, then did a little investigating on my own and found another package, just one, at Meijer... but didn't buy it. (I wouldn't have been able to anyway, because come to find out, the register would've noticed it and not allowed me to purchase it.) I even went to 2 other stores to see if they were carrying it. They weren't. But I took what I bought from Kroger to work and we put a reporter on it. By the way, the soup checked out. No one was selling those bad batches.

To make what's becoming a long story short, it was human error that those chocolates were still being sold. The Department of Agriculture is now investigating. Someone is more than likely getting fired for not following protocol. I felt bad for a few seconds, until I was reminded I helped get a potentially dangerous product off store shelves. Hell yeah bitches!!

"Well, whattya know?"

2007-10-09T22:18:00.000-07:00

Ya know how they say "you learn something new everyday"? I firmly believe in that. Today I learned the correct spelling of a Food Network show host. I always thought "Throw Down with Bobby Flay" was "Bobby Filet"... as in the steak. If you say it, "flay" definitely sounds like "filet". It's not like you hard pronounce "Fi-Let", it just flows out as "Fi-Lay". Right? I thought "Filet" was a good last name to have on a food show, how clever. I even thought he must've changed his last name just for that purpose. Honest mistake, right? Needless to say, when I actually put the show on, and saw the title with "Bobby Flay", I was speechless. Even though I did learn something new, I don't feel a damn bit more intelligent. "Hi.. Stupidity? Nice to meetcha."

Friends With Benefits

2007-10-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

A cool new study out by MSU examines a popular college and post-college experience-- "Friends with Benefits". You know, the relationships that require no work, except when you're "working it" in the bedroom, the back hallway, the bathroom, the car, etc. This study was pitched as a story idea by one of our reporters for our late night local news. Everyone one loved it, especially living in the town where the study came from... and since we all love sex, we figured 'what a great idea'. However, not everyone in the afternoon meeting felt that way. Our boss didn't even know what that was. He's like, "Benefits?!? What kind of benefits?? Like health insurance?" What a naive little man. He's got a son in high school and a daughter in college and he's never heard of the term "friends with benefits"?? Needless to say, the story idea was shot down, probably cuz he didn't even know what the term was and felt like an idiot after all the looks he got when we had to tell him. He should WANT us to do the story to explain to him and other clueless parents what their kids are up to.

It's quite the interesting study. Out of 125 college students, 60% reported having at least one "fuck buddy". 1/10th of those relationships went on to become full-scale romances, a third stopped having sex and remained friends and one-quarter eventually broke it off-- the sex and the friendship. The rest continued as "friends with benefits" relationships.

According to the study, (which was actually done by one of my Communication professors, Tim Levine) the biggest fear among people in these types of relationships is developing feelings for the other person because those feelings might be unreciprocated.

"We found," Levine said, "that people got into these relationships because they didn't want commitment. It was perceived as a safe relationship, at least at first. But also that there was this growing fear that the one person would become more attracted than the other."

There are 25 different (yet somewhat similar) definitions on urbandictionary.com for the term "Friends with Benefits". One sums it up like this: "The best kind of friendship out there".

The following definition was funny too (I'm thinking they're the one who didn't get their feelings reciprocated and now regrets giving up the booty):

Friends with Benefits is a PC term for SLUT and/or Whore. This type of adultery falls into the same category. Call it what you want, but to have a friend with benefits just makes a whore out of you. Save yourself for marriage.

Some other common terms include: fuck buddy, fuck friend, booty call, FWB and huckfinning.

Humpdays with Handey #4

2007-10-03T00:31:00.000-07:00

Happy Handey Humpday!! This one's in honor of a good friend of mine who still eats pudding cups, despite being a grown man. You know who you are... and you know I still love ya!!

"If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin."

Here's a little bonus for you: While searching for an image to correspond with today's "Deep Thoughts", I found this little tidbit of information. According to urbandictionary.com, pudding skin is "the first lick of a vagina during cunnilingus". For example:

Mary and I had a swell time last night. Once I got past the pudding skin, I was in buffet heaven.

Wanna Play With My Doll?

2007-10-02T23:58:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I've seen it all on TV, I find I'm very naive and have a lot to learn. Scanning late night TV the other night, I came upon an interesting (to say the very least) show called "Love Me, Love My Doll" on BBC. Curiosity peaked, so I checked it out. It's not some cutesy show about girls and the dolls they collect, but rather a series about men who have life-size sex dolls. They don't just have sex with them either. They buy things for them (thought you'd like this vase), dress them (saw this pretty blouse and thought of you), take them in the car (how about a day trip to see the autumn leaves changing), take pictures of them (SMILE!!), poses for pictures WITH them (Hey, Brenda... whatcha reading there?), REAL DISTURBING SHIT. Mind you, these men are very low, if not in the negative, on the attraction scale. They obviously have issues with women or "real" people altogether, so you know they've got to be a little unstable and probably weren't hugged much as a children... or maybe hugged TOO much.

The dolls cost in the thousands... some as much as $10,000. One guy had several of them, taking pictures of them posing outside during some fake backyard BBQ. The company even takes special orders, like "pregnant" dolls. What's next? Baby dolls? A little stroller to wheel them around in? I read that they don't make "kid" dolls, so it looks like pedophiles will have to stick to the real ones. They should almost make them, giving those scumfucks a way to live out their sick, disgusting fantasies.

I'm not saying I want a sex doll, but even so... it's not a crime to be a little freaky once in your life. But to carry on a life with an inanimate object is just sad and pathetic. There's nothing like feeling his breath on your neck or hearing his heart beat through his chest. I feel very sorry for those men, who are now being exploited and made fun of by people like me, that they will never know what those things feel like.

Casting Your Vote

2007-10-02T09:09:00.000-07:00

After years of dropping sick rhymes, my favorite band of all time is getting the ultimate props. The Beastie Boys are among 9 nominees for the 2008 Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. Not quite "rock 'n' roll", but over the years, the RNRHF has expanded its definition of music to include different genres. Heck, Grand Master Flash was inducted as the first hip-hop group last year, I think it's highly possible the Beastie Boys could be next. Starting in 1979 as a hardcore/punk act and sharing the stage with such legends as Bad Brains and The Dead Kennedys, they've reinvented themselves as a hip-hop act with a twinge of rock. I've never been able to pick a favorite song or album from these New York hotties. I've seen them twice in concert and still decorate my living space with their posters. I am a little worried about the competition, however. Madonna... another timeless, classic lady... is also nominated. She's come a long way too, baby. I'll never forget dancing to "True Blue" in my living room at a slumber party.

The other 2008 Hall nominees include:
John Mellencamp
Donna Summers
Afrika Bambaataa (?)
Chic (?)
The Ventures (?)
Dave Clark Five (?)
Leonard Cohen (?)

Five of the 9 will be inducted on March 10th... till then, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for AD Rock, MCA & Mike D.

Who's your pick?

The Anniversary of Een's Birth

2007-09-27T00:36:00.001-07:00

They say it's your birthday!! Hey Een, my lake sista for life... you have a stellar day today!! I wish I could be there to "wig out", but trust me, I'm there in spirit!! Happy Birthday!!

WTF!?!?!

2007-09-27T00:30:00.001-07:00

While perusing one of my favorite online shopping sites, overstock.com, I came across this little, well, contraption of sorts.

Fun Factory Flexi Felix Anal Toy

Flexi Felix is possibly the cutest anal toy ever created
Versatile sex toy perfect for beginner or advanced anal adventures
Flexible 10-inch anal chain composed of graduated, elliptical shaped elements for stimulation
Flexi Felix features a friendly face for easy chain withdrawal
Fun anal toy is designed to intensify orgasm when pulled out at the time of climax
Available in pink or candy blue color options
Every package comes with detailed operating instructions and a sample of body fluid lubricant
Made of non-porous silicone -- use with water-based lubricants
Unit measures 10 inches end to end
Box measures 5.5 inches high x 6.5 inches wide x 2.25 inches deep

Due to the personal nature of this product we do not accept returns.

Really?!?!? No returns??!! There's no chance?!?! Not even if I wash it??!!

Fuck Paul... I wanna be The Walrus

2007-09-26T23:59:00.000-07:00

Browsing YouTube the other day and found this...

Cool right!?! A walrus doing sit-ups!! Yeah, I thought so too until I saw it's belly button. I don't why, but it disturbed me. It totally threw me off, I had NO IDEA they had belly buttons. It's not like its gross, but it just was too eerily similar to a human I guess. So I went on a little fact finding mission about walruses. I was determined to learn more... and thought I'd share some of it with you.

*Their ivory tusks aren't just used for hunting, eating and protection against polar bears and killer whales, walruses also use their tusks to pull themselves out of the water and to crack breathing holes in the ice during winter. Those tusks also stand for a symbol of power. The longer they are, the higher the rank in the group.

*Trees have something in common with walruses. You can tell a walrus's age by the number of rings you can find in a cross-section of its teeth. Just like being able to tell how old a tree is by the number of "growth rings" in its trunk.

*Clams are their favorite. They can dive down 300 feet to get them and eat 4,000 of them in one feeding.

Did you find yourself singing The Beatles "I am The Walrus" while reading this? Well, I did writing it. So here's a little bonus trivia on that classic song.

*Are you like me? Do you sing the phrase "koo koo ka choo?" Yeah... those aren't the words. I seriously never knew that. The exclamation is actually "goo goo g'joob". I'm not alone either. Many folks tended to confuse/misquote the lyrics because of a similar phrase in Simon & Garfunkel's "Mrs. Robinson", which came out around the same time.

* Comedian Chris Farley referenced the song during a skit on SNL in 1993. Acting as motivational speaker Matt Foley, Farley speaks to a group of teenagers who had just thrown eggs onto a house. At one point in his speech, Foley exclaims "Hey man, look at me go, I'm throwing eggs! I'm the eggman, GOO... GOO... G'JOOB!"

Humpdays with Handey #3

2007-09-26T23:56:00.000-07:00

Happy Humpday!! I hope everyone's week is all you want it to be… remember, more than half of it is already over!! Friday is just hours away! Here's a little Jack Handey fo dat ass!!

"If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic."

Humpdays with Handey #2

2007-09-19T09:18:00.000-07:00

"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."

Life takes VISA... VISA takes your life

2007-09-13T22:28:00.000-07:00

Every time I see those “Life Takes VISA” commercials, I want to hurl something at the TV. At first they were cute, like the garden one; where everyone is shopping for garden crap (flowers, watering cans, hoses, mulch, etc.) and then someone doesn’t have a credit card and has to write a check; the music slows, people don’t know what to do, life has literally come to a standstill. I related to those commercials because I get stuck behind people who have to write a check, and it’s annoying; totally holds up the line. I roll my eyes and wonder ‘why don’t they just have a debit card?’ I still write checks, but in the privacy of my own home, for bills and such.

Now, the commercials are taking it out on people who use cash. CASH!! Give me a break!! For instance, same theme from the garden ads, but this time in a deli. Everything is flowing perfectly; people picking up their food, swiping their card, going on about their merry lunch hour when BAM!!! Some guy has the nerve to whip out $3 to pay for his food. Line comes to a jarring halt, people are pissed and he looks like an asshole.

Why should the customer be scorned for using cash?? It’s no wonder this nation is in debt; people who charge a $3 meal end up paying more in the long run if they just would’ve used cash. I understand using the cards for big purchases, but encouraging people to use it on small purchases like a deli sandwich is just setting them up for a lifetime of debt. Plus, 2 classic board games (Life and Monopoly) now come with a credit card machine and cards. Yeah!! Let little Lindsay and Tommy get all the practice they need before they start swiping them at the mall after they swiped them at the food court and before they swipe them at the pump to pay for gas. Way to go!!

Some facts I dug up on credit card debt: (source: cardweb.com)

*5 BILLION credit card solicitations are mailed each year nationwide.

*Each cardholder owns an average of 7 credit cards; 3 bank credit cards and 4 store or gas credit cards.

*Total credit card debt in the United States has reached about $665 billion on bank credit cards and about $105 billion on store or gas credit cards. According to the Fed's G19 release, the total is roughly $800 billion.

*80% of American households have at least 1 credit card.

*A $1,000 charge on an average credit card will take almost 22 years to pay, and will cost more than $2,300 in interest ($3,300 total) -- if only 2% minimum payments are made.

*9 of 10 Americans claim credit card debt has never been a source of worry, but 47% would refuse to tell a friend how much they owe.

It freaks me out to think about living with debt. I have 1 Mastercard, which I don’t even use anymore, that I’m paying more than the monthly limit on. Hell, I didn’t even get that card until 3 years ago while I was planning my wedding. I even get "reminders" by email now that they've noticed I'm not using it anymore. "Hi!! It's us, over here at Mastercard. We notice you haven't been charging anything in awhile, so we thought we'd bump up your limit by $1000 dollars!! SPEND, SPEND, SPEND!!!" UUUGGGHHH... I hate that!! I never even had a credit card in college. My parents threatened and put the fear of God in me, telling me never to sign up for one, no matter what kind of free shit they offer at every damn corner on campus. I’m glad I listened. I also have 2 store credit cards… NYC & Co. and Newport News. I pay 2 or 3 times more than the monthly limit on those cards and they're almost paid off completely. I’d say I’m doing pretty well. Good luck to all those who aren’t.

Humpdays with Handey

2007-09-12T01:23:00.000-07:00

Remember Jack Handey's "Deep Thoughts" on SNL? Those always cracked me up. Since Wednesday's are halfway through the week and we could probably all use a little "pick-me-up", I thought I'd post a new "deep thought" each week. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks they're funny... but fuck it. Hope I at least make you smile.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

8 things you didn't know about me

2007-09-12T01:20:00.000-07:00

1. I come from a long line of dentists. Dr. Chalmers Lyons, my great-great uncle, is highly recognized in the field of dentistry. He is widely known for his surgical treatment of the cleft palate. He also founded one of the earliest oral surgery clinics right here in Michigan (1917). There’s even an Academy of Oral Surgery named after him. Don’t believe me, look it up.

2. On that note, I have 16 cavities. One tooth alone has 3 fillings.

3. I once ate dinner in the house Walt Disney and his family called home in Florida.

4. My brother was questioned by the FBI, Michigan State Police and the TSA about terrorist activity.

5. I paid off all my college loans within 2 years of graduating. I'm now debt-free, except for 1 credit card.

6. I get up in the middle of the night and stand in front of the fridge to eat chocolate and drink milk directly from the gallon jug.

7. Vernors and a baked potato from Wendy's is my hangover cure. Works EVERYTIME!!

8. I collect Hard Rock Café Shooter glasses. I have 28; including such cities as London, Rome, Tokyo, New York, Las Vegas, Hollywood, Maui, Acapulco, LA, Detroit, Beijing, Cozumel, Belize, Chicago, and some place called Guangzhou. I haven’t been to all those places; people pick them up for me when they travel.

Too old or just out of touch?

2007-09-10T09:12:00.000-07:00

Is there still an audience out there for MTV's Video Music Awards?? Or am I just getting too old for this shit? That show is ridiculous. First of all, people still make videos?!?!?! When does MTV play them?? And since when is 30 people jumping around and slutty ass bitches grinding on the camera count as a "video"? I watched maybe about a 1/2 hour, on and off. Let's start with Britney's "Comeback". Embarrassing and sad are the best words to describe that opening performance of hers. Her lip-syncing was off, she didn't know the moves and moved pretty slow, showed off her after-baby body, and didn't look like she was having fun. It was pretty obvious she's lost her touch. It was like watching a train wreck. Poor girl.

Jamie Foxx, who I usually like, was getting on my last nerve. I swear he was high or drunk or something. I tuned in near the end to see him and Jennifer Garnier trying to introduce some category and I could tell she was getting annoyed as well. It was right after Kid Rock threw a punch at Tommy Lee, probably some old Pamela-blood between them.

The VMA's also had these "suite shows" going on. Kanye West, Foo Fighters, Justin Timberlake and someone else. So besides all the performances on the main stage, these people were rockin' out in different places. It was weird. JT also got to play on the mainstage at the end with Nelly and Timbaland (which was pretty tight) and that apparently got Kanye all pissed off. "How come he got to play in a suite and on the mainstage? Why couldn't I? Why do I always be gettin' dissed?" Seriously. Then of course, 50cent had to perform in JT's suite, cuz he couldn't let Kanye show him up.

Dr. Dre won some award... artist of the year, maybe, for all the producing he does. All I gotta say is WHOA!!! Since when did Dre start taking steroids!?!? His neck and shoulders looked the frickin' Incredible Hulk's!! That man is seriously beefed up, and it DID NOT look right. I love Dre and all, but WTF?!?!

Plus, some of the songs/videos I had never even heard of, or liked for that matter. And they had Hayden Panettiere (the blondie from "Heroes") hosting the "Neutrogena After Party", which she kept saying was a blast.. and I could tell from the six 16-year-olds awkwardly dancing in the background. Yeah, I'm definitely too old for this shit.

The Pink Brush

2007-09-06T22:01:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon this pink brush a couple weeks back while visiting my mom. The reason for the picture is because this is no ordinary pink brush. This pink brush was the bane of my existence growing up. And she still has it and uses it. Of course she cleans it and such, but I was highly disturbed she's had the same pink brush for at least 25 years (my earliest memories put me back to about 3 years old).

25 YEARS!!!

Who doesn't lose a brush in 25 years? Who doesn't feel like splurging ($6) on a new brush for 25 years? My mom, that's who. I hated that pink brush. Besides getting my hair pulled and tangled in it time after time, it was also used as the perfect spanking tool. That was back in the days when parents could hit their kids and get away with it (don't worry, I wasn't abused and I deserved every spanking I got... and no, I'm not brainwashed).

That pink brush better start enjoying its last days, because it's soon going to be sitting at the bottom of a lake.

What my tax dollars are paying for

2007-09-06T09:17:00.002-07:00

I swear I almost had another run-in with the police on the lake again. This time on a sailboat. Yes, a sailboat. What in the world could a sailboat do to draw the attention of the police you ask? Not having any life jackets on it. Okay, so we were a little unprepared. However, we did manage to bring a radio/cooler packed with a sixer and my purse sealed nicely in a ziploc bag to avoid getting wet. After cruising around for nearly an hour, the floating pigs make their way out on the lake. Checking us out like we were dinner. Thank the lake gods above, because we were close to shore and near our friend's dock... so we were able to cruise in there and snatch up 3 life jackets. And by "cruise" i mean go as slow as abso-fucking-lutely possible. It's not like you can out run anyone on a sailboat. Those cops are just eyeing us, like they are going to pull us over. ON A FRICKIN' SAILBOAT!!!! They didn't, but I swear, they were going to. Because 3 kids on a sailboat at 6pm on a Friday was trouble in the making.

To Each His Own

2007-09-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

I saw the strangest thing while poking around my friend's cottage, looking for a sharpie marker to draw on someone. A spice drawer!! I don't know why it's so funny, but I couldn't get over it. I've seen spices in cupboards, racks, lazy susans, stovetop... but never in a drawer. It makes just as much sense, but to see them on their sides like that, laying down, was hilarious!! I'm sure being wasted had nothing to do with it.

They say it's the most underrated car in history

2007-09-06T08:58:00.001-07:00

I had to take this picture. Rarely do I see 1 Pontiac Fiero... anywhere. But to see 9 lined up outside a restaurant I frequent, was a sight to behold. Do you think the brunch conversation was just Fiero-related? Wow... what I would've given to be a fly on that wall.

"Let's Go Krogering!"

2007-08-27T09:32:00.000-07:00

I really need to go grocery shopping. This came to my realization while I was eating leftover pizza from my favorite restaurant for breakfast. We have nothing substantial in the fridge and I'm starting to miss cooking. My job doesn't really provide me with time to make dinner every night, so I pretty much live on fast food.

Here's some little known facts about grocery shopping.

Before grocery stores or "supermarkets", you had to go to the fish store for fish, the bread store for bread, and so on. Then someone had the bright idea of putting them all in one spot. It's a little sketchy as to who, several chains claim they were the first. But shopping at those stores didn't take off until an Oklahoma man invented the shopping cart. He noticed that as soon as a woman's little hand-held basket was full, she would check out. So he had an employee design a rolling cart to accommodate more stuff, but they just sat there... no one knew what to do with them. That's when he hired a bunch of his employee's wives to come in and push them around until other housewives got the idea.

To encourage you to spend more time and therefore, more money, the music played in grocery stores tends to have only 60 beats per minute, which makes you move much more slowly than music with a faster beat. It can make the average cart dollar figure rise by almost 40-percent.

There is a science to where the put the products on the store shelves. The average "eye-height" of women & the best place to put items is between 51 & 53 inches from the ground. That's where they put the high ticket items. The bargains will be above and below that area so you have to hunt to buy them... at some point, giving up or finding something you didn't intend to purchase.

Ever wonder why canned soup isn't in alphabetical order, making it so much easier to find? That's because researchers have figured out that in the search for the kind you want, you end up buying several cans of other varities and therefore buy more, 6% more to be precise.

Now don't you feel like an informed consumer?

Masturbation 101 (for boys)

2007-08-08T19:26:00.000-07:00

I've recently become ADDICTED (big surprise) to Showtime's series "Weeds". Unfortunately I don't get the channel, but we've been ordering the season in spurts from Netflix and dubbing them. EVERYTHING about that show is HILARIOUS!! The show follows a single mom (mary louise parker) who's become a drug (weed) dealer to support her two kids. Without getting to far into it, one scene we recently watched had me ROLLIN!!!!

Mom's youngest son is going through puberty... and you know what that means for little boys... MASTURBATION. Well, he's clogged up the plumbing because of all the socks he's been flushing down the toilet,,, to hide the evidence.

Watch as Uncle Andy explains the art of pleasuring oneself to Shane.

Can it get any better than that?!?!?!

The Early Bird Catches... The Hot Dog???

2007-08-06T22:17:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's right folks. The early bird does INDEED catch the hot dog. Allow me to explain.

I woke up Saturday morning at the lake and decided to have my toast and milk on the dock. I sit at the end of it and dangle my feet in the water, pondering what needs to be done for the day... and enjoying the quietness. While I'm doing that, my eyes wander to the swim raft about 50 feet out. There's a seagull... also enjoying the quiet of the lake. He starts to fly my way... maybe he wants some toast, I think, and I'm more than willing to share (it was a little overcooked). But no, he's headed to something that's floating in the water. I then notice my brother had set up a fishing pole and cast out a line with a broken hot dog as bait to catch some catfish (don't ask). I sat and watched this shitty lake bird keep trying to get the hot dog, eventually getting it in its mouth and starts to fly away, when... YANK!!! The line is pulled tight and the hot dog comes flying out of it's mouth. This continued for about 5 more minutes until I got bored of watching the dumb shit-for-brains bird fail over and over again.

Fast forward 1 hour. The damn seagull gets stuck in the fishing line. I had gone inside for awhile and when i came back out, it was flailing about on the water, obviously stuck or trapped, or just fucking stupid. Now, I HATE birds. Ever since the Alfred Hitchcock movie "The Birds", I can't help but think of them flapping their wings in my face, pecking out my eyes and leaving me for dead. Part of me just wanted to leave it, however, i do have a heart and realized I couldn't do that. The neighbors hear what's going on (i'm kinda in a panic) and come over to help, meantime, I'm screaming for my brother to fix this stupid mess he caused in the first place.

We gently try to reel in the line and get the bird to the dock. Now mind you, I'm observing this from at least 3 feet away, in case that bird goes ape shit on us. We eventually get a towel to pick the bird up from the water so we can perform "surgery" on it. That fishing line was wrapped around its body, legs, wings and tongue. Yes, tongue... so bad that it was slicing its tongue OFF. I've never seen a seagull tongue before and it was NASTY!! I don't even know how to describe it. We cut all the fishing line off, take the hook out of its wing/foot (not sure on that part, like I said, I was keeping a distance) and open up the towel and let him go. It took him a minute to get his balance back, he flapped his wings a few times and we scooted him off the dock, and eventually took off.

We all felt like we did something good for a change, but then made so much fun of the bird. Like imagining him talking to his other seagull friends: (to be read with a severe lisp) "Heh guyssstthh, uuulll nahhber baahleeaff whaaa happpenn tsssuuu mee!" or "Hey look, Larry's drunk again!" OMG we were rollin'!!! Just one in a string of incidents that explains Bizzarro World to a tee.

PS. Pictures to come!! I was too perturbed by the sight, I forgot all about my camera!! But have no fear, someone did, now I'm just waiting!! And to read this from a different perspective, check out "Iris Took of Great Smial"... link is over to the right. She promised a blog too!!

I Didn't Know Pigs Could Float

2007-07-29T18:58:00.001-07:00

It's 10:30 Friday night. I'm spending the weekend at the lake and and old friend is joining me. So what else are a couple of girls going to do on a lake at night?? OK, besides that?!!? Go for a raft ride of course!! Now, my brother is usually the one who entertains out there late at night, this is not usually my thing, but I still know how to do it right. So we pack up a cooler, scoop up the free fifth of Captain Morgan I got (ya gotta have a Captain on the boat, right??) grab some minispeakers for my ipod, our smokes, and head out on my grandma's raft. I'd usually take my bro's, but it was out of commission at the moment. I'm not very familar with this pontoon, it's been years since I took it out, let alone at night. About 20 minutes into the ride, all of a sudden I look portside (to the left, for you non-boaters) and there's this boat blazing up on me with NO LIGHTS!! This is what happens next:

ME: "Ummm... hello!!! Your lights aren't on!!
THEM: (shining flourescent flashlight on me) "Sheriff's Department. Turn off your boat."
ME: (grumbling, confused and feeling a little buzzed) "OK."
JCSD: "Can I see your license and registration? What are you doing out here?"
ME: "I don't have my license, but here's the registration, this is my grandma's boat. It's friday night, we're out taking a ride."

*sidenote: We were not speeding, nor creating a wake, had our lights on, it was just me and one other person, our music was barely audible, not being loud... doing NOTHING to warrant them pulling me over. I SWEAR TO GOD!!

JCSD: "Can I see your lifejackets?"
ME: (this is easy, i know we have these) "Sure, they're right here... (umm.. no, not in that seat), hang on, they must be... YES.. here's one... oh, that's a kid sized... ummm... hang on... OK!! Here's an adult one!! One more... hang on..." (proceed to pull out 2 more kids vests until I finally find an adult one).
JCSD: "Type 4??"
ME: (i know he's trying to catch me here... not many people call it a "Type 4".. it's a throwable floatable, like a seat cushion... and after my hunt for the vests, i knew there wasn't one). "Nope, sorry... don't have one of those".
JCSD: (telling his cop buddy... she doesn't have a type 4... he's marking it down) "Fire extinguisher?"
ME: (WTF?? NO!! I knew there wasn't one, FUCK!!) "Nope, officer fuckface, i don't have one of those either."
JCSD: "No Fire extinguisher, either. Looks like you're a litle unprepared" (scoping the raft out with his bright-ass flourescent flashlight)
ME: "Look, this is my grandma's raft, i never come out, let alone at night, i'm here with a friend of mine and we're just out cruising."
JCSD: "How much have you had to drink tonight?"
ME: "This is my 3rd drink." (really, it was my 6th or 7th... but I wasn't making them strong.)

JCSD: "Since when? How big are the cups and how strong are you making them?"
ME: "Since 7pm... here's the cup... and I put like this much in." (measuring with my fingers)
FRIEND: "And she's been putting a lot of ice in those cups, too."
ME: (shoving glass in cop's face) "See??"
(Then it hits me, it's very possible I could get arrested and hauled off this boat in handcuffs.)

He then proceeds to ask me my birthday, what time it was, how old i am, where i live, what's my middle name... in that order. All of which I answer perfectly and in a timely fashion, no "umms..." or looking away or anything. They ask me if my lights are working (HELLO!!! It's FUCKING DARK OUT!! What idiot drives on a lake at night without lights? Oh yeah, you guys do... trying to roll up on me all sneaky-like, hoping to catch me doing something wrong.) They also wanted to know if my horn worked, but told me not to touch it. (weird) He then asks my girl a few questions... and then tells me to GET OFF THE LAKE. Excuse me?!!? Because I have a gazillion lifevests and no throwable, and no fire extinguisher on a raft with a fucking outboard motor??!?? Fine. I wasn't trying to get arrested... and this was the first time I've had a run in with the cops while I had been drinking since college. I was a little freaked out. And during all that, I never asked why I was pulled over. There were like 5 other boats out there that night... why us? It's not like I had a raft full of rowdy fuckers or was blaring loud music. Plus, they were driving with no lights!! We saw them about an hour later chasing down a couple of rafts that were blazing across the water. And once again, they, as in THE COPS, didn't have any lights on. That's so illegal. Yeah, I didn't get a ticket, some would say be happy about that, but i'm pissed, i feel like they tried to entrap me or something and without giving me reason as to why i got pulled over, plus watching them go full speed on a dark lake with no lights on... it just wasn't right. I'm going to do some checking into this.

An Incredible Talent

2007-07-29T18:26:00.000-07:00

What kind of talent you ask? Tying a knot in a cherry stem WITH YOUR TONGUE. I was turned on to this incredible talent at the bar a few weeks ago by the wife of a co-worker. Took her about 3 minutes.

Quite impressive!! I don't buy cherries alot so the stems aren't readily available to practice. Until this past weekend. Killing time before the real fun began (see above blog), I stopped by my aunt & uncle's place down the road and whattya know, they had cherries! So I started telling my them and my younger cousins (12 & 14) about this incredible talent. The next 45 minutes was spent trying to achieve this incredible feat.

I was unsuccessful in my attempts, but Mac (14) was able to do it... something his mom is soooo thanking me for. "All the girls are gonna love ya when you show them you can do that!!!" Thanks, she says... he goes on to accomplish it another 60 times during the weekend. And I still can't get it.

But like the picture on my blog says, "You can't keep this white bitch down"... and I shall overcome this soon.

Do you have this incredible talent, or some other talent?

Mmmmmmm... M&M's

2007-07-25T09:12:00.000-07:00

I love those little candies. I love ALL chocolate, but there's something about those colorful little bursts of cocoa goodness that beats everything else. Peanut M&M's are my favorite... and I eat them by letting the chocolate shell melt in my mouth, leaving me with just the peanut. My favorite color is green. I know you're dying to know more about them... so here goes.

~ M&M's were supposedly developed so soldiers in the field could eat candy without getting covered in chocolate.
~ The colors have caused a number of controversies: the greens are believed by many to be aphrodisiacs and orange is said to increase breast size (I must've eaten A LOT of oranges over the years!)
~ There was a big uproar in 1995 when blue replaced tan.
~ The color tan replaced violet in 1949.
~ The color red disappeared for 11 years because the public refused to eat them, thinking it contained Red Dye No.2, a suspected carcinogenic. Of course that wasn't true and when people had forgotten about the scare, they were put back into production.
~Van Halen always requested a bowl full of the candies backstage, without the brown ones. It was written into their contract that if they even SAW one as they were about to play a concert, THEY WOULD LEAVE. Lead Singer David Lee Roth explained the reasoning: "We have a very technical tour operation and if they didn't remove the brown M&Ms, then they sure as hell did not read that the tensile strength of the stage needs to be 250 PSI."

You can make your own version of an M&M character here:
http://www.becomeanmm.com/

What's your favorite kind and color??

A Letter To Lindsay Lohan

2007-07-24T09:28:00.001-07:00

Congratulations, girl!! You're really making a name for yourself these days!! Unfortunately, it's not for your chosen career (I loved you in "The Parent Trap" and "Mean Girls"), but for the idiotic choices you make. I woke up today to find you have ONCE AGAIN been busted for DUI!!! Aren't you famous??? Don't you have a personal driver?? I thought that's what Hollywood was all about, not having to do shit for yourself and paying people to do it for you. You have got to be the dumbest bitch ever. Did you not JUST get out of rehab after your first DUI?? And that was your second stint in rehab. WTF are you doing "chasing another car" through Beverly Hills? On a suspended license... AND CARRYING COCAINE?? Rumors are you got pretty upset at your personal assistant who just quit on you, so you chased HER mother, who in turn called the cops on you. Then you refuse to submit to a PASD (Preliminary Alcohol Screening Device)... that almost right away says you're guilty. But you still fail a sobriety test. Now you're out on $25,000 bond, doing what?? Are you going into treatment?? Are you going to admit you have a problem?? Or are you just going to continue on this downward spiral? What happened to that alcohol monitoring bracelet you were wearing?? You're supposed to be a role model for young girls, so many of them look up to you since you've been the spotlight your entire life. I feel bad for you. Your parents obviously don't care, and neither do your friends. I know first-hand about the dangers of alcohol and if you really have a disease, you need to treat it and be serious about it. If you drink just to fit in amongst the A-listers, that's fine... just don't be stupid about it. I've got nothing against having a good time, you just have to be smart about it. Good luck recovering from this one... physically, emotionally and career-wise.

Not so much a fan anymore,
Chesty Chong

Fill in the blank:
"When I heard the news that Lindsay Lohan was ARRESTED AGAIN, my first thought was _________."

"Women Seeking Women"

2007-07-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

Have you seen or heard of this new show on VH1?? Oh my. It's quite interesting. It's touted as a "bi-curious journey for heterosexual married women". As you can see from the list to your right, there are some women I think are attractive, hot, and sexy. Women are by far more sexual creatures than men. No offense guys, but women definitely win that category. Okay, so what's the harm in admitting women are beautiful, if you're a woman? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! So this so sparked my curiousity and had to watch the show to see how it turned out. Meet Tammy from Wisconsin, mother of two and looking slightly aged. She's been curious for awhile and is finally taking a step forward. She's going to Hedonism II in Jamaica for a "Wild Women Vacation", where she'll meet other women like her and see if getting it on with chicks tickles her fancy. And yes, the husbands go to. Not to be a part of a threesome, but to watch or let their wives "explore themselves".

~ 84% of women with same sex attractions identify themselves as heterosexual.

The Societal Organization of Sex: Sexual Practices in the United States

As for the husbands, most encourage their wives and don't try to be a part of it. One guy even let his wife fall in love with a woman, and has been back twice in 6 months for the same "wild vacation" so they (the wife and her female lover) can hook up again. My hubby wasn't having any of that. He says it's one thing to be curious, explore, let him watch, join, whatever... but openly letting me get it on whenever with another woman or falling in love isn't something he's down for. I agree... how come she gets to have the best of both worlds, so to speak? And he really doesn't care??? I mean, he doesn't get in on the action, he leaves them alone to do their thing or watches. He's just happy to make his wife happy. Awww, ain't that sweet?? The show was just so awkward and crazy... "suite parties", slutty outfits and bathing suits, a suitcase full of lube, dildos, vibrators and such, and wondering if the "curious" woman will get it on with a chick.

I don't know... but you should check it out and form your own opinion. Every woman, i'm sure, has thought about kissing a woman or maybe further. I've kissed the opposite sex before. But I'm not a lesbian. Like Tammy said, "I'm not a heterosexual turning into a lesbian, I'm a married woman who's curious about being with another woman". And I say "You go girl!!" I think it's perfectly normal for a woman to want to know, we are some intriguing creatures, and if her husband is down... why the hell not?? And if it will spice up their bedroom behavior, that can only be considered a good thing.

The woman ended up doing a little smooching and touching, but nothing even close to soft porn and her hubby was around the entire time. 48 hours later, they're back in their small town Wisconsin home... splitting wood and getting the kids dinner. "Hey mom, how was your vacation???

It's the Goodship Lollipop

2007-07-20T00:10:00.001-07:00

Little known facts about Shirley Temple:

~ Her mother made sure she had exactly 56 curls in her hair everyday... EXACTLY.

~ Even during the height of the Great Depression, that little diva demanded 250-grand for each flick.

~ Boys can drink Shirley Temples too and not look like a fag ordering such a girlie drink. Just ask for a "Roy Rogers".... same drink, manly name.

I've gone and done it

2007-07-19T09:20:00.001-07:00

Welcome to "Conversations with Chesty Chong"!! Those who know me well, know why I picked that pseudonym. I feel it fits me well. By no means will this blog have a point. Except to amuse the masses that peruse upon it. You can expect to read about:

~ useless information: the word "cocktail" came about when a female bartender put rooster tails in some of her customer's drinks. One day, a man walked into the bar and ordered a drink, asking the bartender for one of those "cock tails"... and the term stuck.

~ random thoughts: we need toilet paper

~ pressing issues: bloody mary or margarita

~ drama: "Oh no she didn't!!"

~ and many other things you probably don't care about!!

Thanks for stopping by!! Much more to come!